cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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