I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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