Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So much rum. So many feels.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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