Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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