yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
