I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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