I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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