you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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