This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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