I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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