who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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