this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
