My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
