Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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