I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
