Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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