she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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