and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
