I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
