Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
