i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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