He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
