The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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