I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
