sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
