If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
