Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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