the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
