i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
