SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
