Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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