I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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