I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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