yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My nipple is on Facebook.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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