theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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