the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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