Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
All I want is dick and wine.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
