I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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