i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
