If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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