mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
