I hate all girls vehemently.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
