i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
no. you can't hotbox the world.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
