How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
