should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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