You can't special order awesome
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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