you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
