Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
