In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
