He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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